In a recent press conference, the dynamic duo of Congressman Steve King and rich guy Donald Trump made some pretty frightening claims about the young people who have lately been arriving at our Southern border. Mr. King told the audience that America is becoming “a third-world country” because of “the things that are coming at us from across the border,” including illegal drugs, Central American children of “prime gang recruitment age,” ISIS… and the Ebola virus. These are some pretty serious charges, and so we here at the Asylumist decided to investigate for ourselves. What we found will shock you.

After flying down to Texas, I went to a detention facility that must remained unnamed. There, I met a 14-year-old boy, who we will call Juan. Juan hails from El Salvador–or so he says–and claims that members of a gang attacked his house, threatened his family, and tried to kill him. He then fled to the United States. It’s a sad tale, but is it true? I suspected that there was more to the story. You see, Juan has brownish skin, so he is likely a Muslim. Plus, when I met him, he was sweating. This, despite the fact that the detention facility is kept at a balmy 52 degrees Fahrenheit. In my book, Sweating = Ebola. I had some hard questions for Juan:

ASYLUMIST: Salaam Alaikum.

JUAN: [stares blankly]

ASYLUMIST: Salaam Alaikum.

JUAN: I am not sure what you are saying to me.

ASYLUMIST: Yeh, right. So tell me Juan, if that is your real name, why did you come to the United States?

JUAN: Actually, Juan is not my name. You just started calling me Juan for some reason. My real name is Alberto.

ASYLUMIST: For purposes of this interview, we will call you Juan. So tell me, Juan, why did you come here?

JUAN: In my town, the gang is very powerful. If you don’t join them, they threaten you, take your money, even kill you. Gang members have targeted my family because we are Evangelical Christians and we refuse to join the gang. My father is a Minister. Because we refused to join, the gang set our house on fire, they fired a gun through our window, they threatened me many times with guns and knives. Finally, they tried to kill me, so I had to…

ASYLUMIST: Blah, blah, blah. Everyone knows that you can’t get asylum in the U.S. if you are fleeing gang violence. There’s no nexus. It will open the floodgates. We have enough problems here already. We don’t need gangbangers like you messing up our country.

JUAN: But I am not a gang member! And I heard that in some cases, when a person is threatened on account of his religion, he can receive asylum in the U.S. even if the persecutor is not the government. There is a case about that called Matter of S-A-. Also, the gang targeted my whole family; not just me, and “family” is a protected category under U.S. asylum law. One case that discusses family as a social group is Lopez-Soto v. Ashcroft. Besides these published decisions, there are many unpublished decisions where people like me have received asylum in the United States.

ASYLUMIST: You seem to know a lot about asylum for a 14-year-old Salvadoran boy. Very suspicious. Let’s shift gears. Why are you so sweaty?

JUAN: I don’t have Ebola.

ASYLUMIST: Ah Ha! I didn’t even mention Ebola. Why would you bring it up unless you had Ebola. Thou protesteth too much, dear Juan. Excuse me while I relocate myself outside your six-foot danger zone.

JUAN: You mentioned it at the very beginning! And I really don’t have Ebola. I’ve been detained here for two months. If I had Ebola, I’d be dead by now.

ASYLUMIST: You’re spitting when you talk. Please stop that.

JUAN: I was not spitting.

ASYLUMIST: If you don’t have Ebola, how do you explain the sweating?

JUAN: Maybe because I am stressed. I fled my country and I’m away from my family for the first time. The gang tried to kill me. Now, I’ve been detained for the last two months.

ASYLUMIST: I’m not buying it. Didn’t you come here to take our jobs and our women, collect welfare, and spread Ebola and Jihad? Is that a prayer rug you’re sitting on? And what’s that book next to you? It looks like a Koran.

JUAN: Huh?

ASYLUMIST: You’re sitting on a Muslim prayer rug. And that book looks like a Koran.

JUAN: No, I am sitting on a towel. There was no bed space for me, so they gave me a towel to sleep on. It is not very comfortable.

ASYLUMIST: And the book?

JUAN: Pep Comics # 224. It’s about Jughead Jones and his dog named Hot Dog. The dog used to belong to Archie, but somehow Jughead got him.

ASYLUMIST: I see. Anything else you want to add before I leave this godforsaken place?

JUAN: I am just hoping to get my case heard. I am afraid to return to my country. I want to live safely and in peace. I don’t have any diseases and I am not a terrorist or a criminal. I really don’t understand the United States. You are so powerful, and yet you are afraid of a 14 year old boy. I hope you will help me. And why are you on the floor in the fetal position?

ASYLUMIST: Please don’t unleash your Jihadi Ebola attack on me! Ahh! Run away!